It's A Total Bust...

This sums up everything...

Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I actually had some inspiration! I had this wonderful idea in my head and had a very clear picture of it and how I wanted to create it. So I sat down, laptop and tablet on my lap, pen in hand, and committed myself to drawing. And that's when it all went south... What was in my head, clear a vision as it was, my hand was just not able to put it on canvas as I had wanted it to...
Before I got too frustrated with what I was trying to do, I decided to give up for the time being and work on another image I had in my mind. This one was just as clear a vision and I knew exactly how I wanted to create that one as well. So I moved on from the first idea and tried the next. And things went just as far south as the first one... Again, my hand just wasn't putting things on the canvas despite this clear vision I had... I decided to move on from that one before I got too frustrated as well and work on the third idea I had. But that one, too, didn't go as planned...

The pains of being an artist...

And so the art block continues...
It's hard for people who aren't artistic or rely on visions to create things to understand exactly how frustrating and sometimes devastating it can be to have this sort of ebb in the creative flow. And the longer it lasts, the more you begin to believe that you'll never be able to create again. For anyone creative, the inability to create is like a fate worse than death. We live to create, we create to live, plain and simple. Without that ability, it's as if life no longer has any meaning at all and everything comes crashing down in this horrible avalanche...
But I digress...
Usually when I have such blocks, I turn to the basics... I draw characters I have created or the characters of others just to keep my hand in the habit of drawing. Most of the time, that helps me to raise the art block. But not this time... It's so bad that I can't work on other avenues that I pursue, such as writing. I've written myself into corners that I just can't seem to get out of. So the block has grown into this massive, crushing weight that is holding all my creativity captive. It's a horrible feeling...

"Blah blah blah..."

But I do have some good news...
A few weeks back, I was feeling a bit down over the loss of a few forums I belonged to that had gone the way of the dinosaurs. I found myself missing that feeling of belonging, of having friends that shared my interests. It was a feeling I thought I would never be able to recapture no matter what I did.
However...
I found a forum a few years ago that I had thought about joining but, for some reason, I never did. This came to mind while I was lamenting the loss of the defunct forums, so I decided to take another look. This one, thankfully, was still active, so I decided to give it it a closer look. Needless to say, I decided to finally join up. It's a forum for fans of the anime Kagaku Ninja Tai Gatchaman, my favorite anime. Granted, I just joined a few days ago, but so far things are going as they had when I first joined other forums. Perhaps this one will become as the others had for me, a place where I can be myself and people are accepting of who I am.

My signature bar...

And who knows? Maybe joining this forum will help lift my art block. It did help in some ways so far... The picture on the right is the signature bar I made for the forum. It's a portion of a photo I took of one of my collectible figures of the series that I doctored up in one of my artsy programs. It may not be terribly creative, but it's something. And, at this point, I'll take whatever I can get...

Toodles...!

I really have no expectations on if or when this block will be lifted... It's better that way. It saves me from disappointment should it happen to fail to get rid of this damned block...

A Bad Case of the Blahs...

The "fuck it" face...

Lately I've been in this horrible funk...
Actually, saying "lately" isn't exactly accurate. I've been in this funk for months...
I know, everyone gets in a funk now and again, but my funks are different, mainly because they last for weeks or even months on end. Imagine how horrible you feel when you're in a funk... Now imagine feeling that way for months without a break from that horrible feeling... That's how I've been feeling. It's very unpleasant. And no matter what I do or what I try, I just can't seem to shake this funk. It's a bit like being stuck in a traffic jam. You can't move forward, you can't move back. You're just stuck in that one spot and it seems like you're going to be stuck there forever, even though you know damned well that you won't be (it just feels like it). This funk I'm in is no different... I know it won't last forever, but it feels as if it will.

Love that clutter...

I've been doing some thinking, looking back and trying to figure out what started this funk in the first place, in an attempt to try and figure a way out of this mess. And I think I pinpointed the issue that started this whole thing... A few months ago, I started suffering from an art block. Every artist goes through this at some point... Suddenly, all the ideas just seem to dry up and you think the well has dried up for good. For creative people, that feels like the end of the world... Under normal circumstances, this, too, shall pass. Inevitably, something inspires and sparks the creativity into light again. But, for me, there's another downside, other than feeling uninspired. Sadly, when the creativity has run dry, the talent seems to go with it. I'm still not sure why that happens... I suppose it's because I can only draw something of worth when there's a clear picture in my head of what I want. So when the inspiration went, so did my ability to draw anything... Even the view at my messy drafting table, which is meant to inspire, hasn't helped me. I haven't drawn anything for months... And I have a sneaking suspicion that this is what started the funk I'm currently in.

Put on that happy face...

A few days ago, I went to a birthday party for a friend... Normally, I'm not a party person because I'm something of an antisocial butterfly. However, when I attend parties thrown by these particular hosts, it's a different scenario. Their sunny dispositions are literally contagious and even an antisocial butterfly like me suddenly becomes a social butterfly. I was looking forward to attending in hopes that it would help me shake this annoying funk. But it seems even the best party hosts couldn't help me... Instead of coming out of my cocoon, I spent several hours pasting on a happy face and not having as good a time as I had hoped or shaking this damned funk... Actually, if anything, that sent me into more of a funk than I was in before.

Perseverance...

At some point, I'm sure this funk will lift. It always has before... But, in the meantime, I'm being crushed under its weight.
All I can do is hope that it can be lifted soon...

...and She Said

We've all had that moment...

In a state of boredom, I decided to go back and take a look at some of the entries I've made in the various blogs I've started (and rarely maintained) over the years. And, through all this reading, I've realized something... I have some really strange ideas bouncing around in my head! Seriously, some of the topics I've chosen to write about were either odd or downright bizarre... Some of the topics of discussion, odd as they were, I enjoyed discussing so much that I incorporated in more than one of my blogs (in particular, the one about me preferring to be a Morlock as opposed to being an Eloi). But, if there is anything I've learned from reading back on all these entries, it's this: There are things that run through my mind that even make me say, "Omg, wtf...?!"

My honey...

Colorfully illustrated by my favorite Japanese rock star, tetsu...

Ah, the animated GIF file... Is there anything more entertaining...?

I flip over you...

Over the years, I created may animated GIF files from various video clips, like this one I created from a clip of tetsu playing the funky bass riff from the L'Arc~en~Ciel tune, "Honey". Actually, the members of this band were some of my favorite subjects to use for these types of files. Part of this was due to their amusing demeanors, and part was due to the fact that I belonged to a few forums dedicated to discussion of various Japanese musical groups.

Yeah, well...

Sadly, the time of belonging to forums has since passed... I find that I sometimes miss the socialization, the strong online friendships that I formed with some of the other members of these forums... And other times I miss it because I really would like to have a use for the hundreds of animated GIF files I created. Which is why, I suppose, I decided to use them here. I mean really, what the fuck else am I going to do with them...?

Free Eye Surgery - Just Place Eyeballs Directly On Screen

It's funny because it's true...

Yesterday, I had my biannual eye exam... I think I should have just saved myself the money and bought a few glass bottles of Coke so I could slice off the bottoms and use them instead...
Eye exams are kind of a bittersweet thing for me... I'm always ecstatic to get new glasses so I'm not like a female Mr. Magoo, but, in the same respect, I don't look forward to finding out exactly how bad my eyes have gotten. As it is, without my glasses, I can barely see the big letter "E" at the top of the chart. I'm surprised they haven't declared me legally blind...

It's an art thing...

One of my favorite parts of the exam comes at the end. After positioning the lenses of the machine to what makes my vision clearest and ends up being my new prescription, he flips the lenses to the setting of what I came in with so I can see the difference between what I'm currently wearing and what I'm going to need in order to see clearly. What a difference! The sad part is, the difference is so great that it's troubling... Soon I think even the eye doctor will say the hell with lenses and just give me the bottoms of glass Coke bottles...

After I got my eyes examined (and received the bad news about how bad my vision is), I went into the frame room to pick out what will be my new frames. I had to make sure I took a picture of myself wearing them and explained to the two women there that I needed it to finish up the new self portrait I was drawing for the occasion. They both seemed rather surprised that I drew my profile pictures as opposed to using a photo, so I decided to show them a sample of my past profile pictures. They were both incredibly floored by my work. I must say, it was wonderful to receive so much high praise on my work. Most of the time, it goes relatively unnoticed and I begin to wonder if anyone likes the crap I draw. But then days like yesterday happen and I find a renewed purpose in my art. It's a great feeling!

It's all about cattitude...

I've come to realize that, most things in life, really are determined by the attitude you adopt. Case in point, I was feeling pretty awesome about my work yesterday and so others thought it was, too. Maybe I should learn to adopt a more positive attitude more often...
But that would require some motivation on my part and I just don't think I have that kind of gumption...
C'est la vie...

For The Ages or Aged...

Happy birthday to me...

Tomorrow is my birthday, though I won't be divulging exactly which birthday it is, other than mine... Suffice it to say, it's a larger number birthday than I care to think about...

Once you reach a certain age, birthdays are no longer enjoyable, save for the fact that you get presents. At some point, it's no longer exciting and you no longer look forward to milestones. It's not like when you're a teen and looking forward to 18 because you'll officially be an adult and no one can push you around anymore, or like when you're a young adult and are looking forward to turning 21 because you can legally drink alcohol. Actually, that's pretty much the last milestone, unless you look forward to 25 so you can rent a car and car insurance rates drop drastically... I don't know anyone that looks forward to that... In any case, that's pretty much it. It's not as if anyone ever says, "I'm turning 40, I'll officially be over the hill, whoo-hoo!" or, "I'm turning 50, I'll be a half century old, go me!" However, I'm assuming birthdays do get exciting again once you're really up in age, but for a different reason. One would think that you'd be excited celebrating your 90th birthday because you're actually still here and not 6 feet under like other people you know...

The timeline of aging...

For years, people have been telling me, "Age is just a number..." I always had a hard time buying that... Oh, I suppose to a degree it is true. The number age you are doesn't necessarily dictate your behavior. I'm a prime example of that. On a good day, mentally, I feel 16. On other days... about 6. Sometimes it's more like 60. So it seems that the old adage is true. But, no matter how old you feel mentally or physically, that number is still staring you in the face and, to a certain point, dictating how you must behave. Think about it, how often do you condemn someone who is in their 40s or 50s for behaving like a teen? Society deems it as shameful that someone of such an advanced age should behave as if they were young. Never mind that fact that the person may indeed feel mentally young... Society doesn't care how young you feel. If you are middle aged, you should act middle aged. In this respect, the old adage is false. I suppose it depends on how you look at it...

Speaking of age... A few years ago, I decided that, instead of telling people how old I was or telling them what year I was born in, that I was going to tell them by way of song how old I was. For example, I've been telling people I came out the same year as the song "Brother Louie". Most people don't even know what song I'm talking about let alone what year it came out, so I'm usually safe and people don't know how old I am. However, thanks to this YouTube video, everyone will know because it's plainly printed on the label...
What's even scarier, I actually own the 45RPM of this song. It even has the same, odd, Kama Sutra label... Wow, that really makes me feel pretty old, to be honest.

Jazzman, take my blues away...

I don't have a very good view on birthdays... I don't like a fuss being made and I never had. Maybe I never will...
The only thing to look forward to is getting a present and going to dinner at my favorite restaurant (a Japanese steak house) and gorging myself on my favorite dishes.

So, in closing, I leave you with these funky jazz frogs and these words:
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-eee
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-eye
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-eee
Louie, Louie you're gonna cry...

Hahahahaa....

iRandom

I watch you when you sleep...

This is a creation by John Asaro... It's meant as a tool for artists to use in order to see how light and shadow fall on the human head. A very useful tool, granted, but seriously, LOOK AT THE THING! It's creepy! This is the kind of shit you see in your nightmares! You can almost hear it saying, "Nothing to see here... Just a creepy, geometrically nightmarish, disembodied head who's watching you... ALWAYS watching you..."
Sometimes, some very random thoughts, such as this, run through my mind...
Most of the time, I should say...
But, in all honesty, I like the random thoughts that run through my mind. They're rather like a warm blanket for me, comforting and secure. They envelope me in their bizarreness. Sometimes, they make an excellent point, so much so that I often make note of them for future reference...

As time goes by...

Case in point, the other day I was watching an old episode of Star Trek (yes, I am a bit of a Trekkie and a nerd to boot). The particular episode I speak of was "City on the Edge of Forever" with a very young Joan Collins... Not one of my favorites, but it's a fairly good episode... In it, the crew of the Enterprise experience ripples in time from the planet below that are shaking the ship. During one particularly bad bout of turbulence, McCoy accidentally injects himself with a somewhat dangerous drug, cordrazine, goes mad and beams himself down to the planet's surface. Kirk gathers a landing party and they follow in search of the deranged McCoy and instead find this machine (for lack of a better term) that is the keeper of time. It demonstrates by showing the landing party Earth's history like a video on fast forward and, at one point, the deranged McCoy jumps through the viewing portal and goes back in Earth's history. Unfortunately, the landing party soon find out that he changed something... The Enterprise is no longer there and they are informed by the keeper of time that all they knew no longer existed. Then it's up to Kirk and Spock to go through the portal, to a time before McCoy arrived, to make sure that they prevent him from changing whatever he had.

"But that makes no fucking sense!"

Now, here's where my random thought came into play... If McCoy had gone back in Earth's history and changed things to the point where all the landing party had known no longer existed... why were they still on the planet...?! Think about it... He changed things so drastically that the lives they knew never existed, which means they would have never been on that planet in the first place, so why were they still standing there and why were they able to go back in time also?! Better yet, if the timeline was changed in that fashion, that means that, in present time, McCoy would have also never have been on the planet; his drug-addled mind would never have made the leap into the machine and gone back in time... So then how could he have gone back to change things...? You see, it's a conundrum... No matter how you look at it, it makes no fucking sense whatsoever and you can come up with about a billion arguments to back up the fact that it makes no fucking sense...

And these are the type of random thoughts that run through my mind on a fairly regular basis. It kind of makes you wonder, doesn't it...?
I can't even say the random thoughts stop when I'm sleeping... We all dream several times every night, but most of us don't remember them or remember only one, either fully or in bits and pieces. I'm one of the unfortunate few who remember several, very vividly, every night. And they're always bizarre... It's like my brain just pulls together a bunch of random thoughts from my sub-conscience that are in no way related and throws them all together in a movie that skips around and makes no sense at all...

The orange dragon roll

 On a lighter note... My birthday is in four days... I actually don't care for my birthday much. When you reach a certain age, you stop looking at it as a good thing and simply see it as a reminder that you're getting old. No one wants that... But at least it comes with some perks... Every year on my birthday, I go to my favorite restaurant, a local Japanese steak house. Sometimes I get my favorite sushi roll, sometimes I get my favorite hibachi dinner, sometimes I get both. But either way, I get some delicious food. I guess that's all that matters...

Have a socially relevant day...

"World Without Words"

It's been some time since I've blogged anything, close to an entire year. A lot has happened in that time and, unfortunately, most of it was bad...
I had to withdraw from college for a while... I'm not thrilled about it, but life was literally blindsiding me to the point where the stress of it all was making me sick. Something had to give in order for me to keep a grip on that fragile thing I call my sanity. And, since the other events were out of my control, I had to get rid of the stress I did have control over and I withdrew from college. I plan on returning at some point, although I'm not sure exactly when... Life sometimes happens and gets in the way of the things we'd like to do for whatever the reason. It's been almost a year since I left and I must say, I miss it. But at this particular moment and time, I really don't need the extra added stress. It's a shame, really... I was really enjoying it, despite how crazy and stressful it was, and I was doing really well. From what I understand, not many people could hold the GPA I was holding after so many months. It would be foolish for me to not ever go back and so I'll just sit back and bide my time until everything else calms down.

My poor baby, Setsuna

Of course, when it rains, it pours... Last month some idiot hit my car... I have a feeling she was texting while she was driving or McDonald's was giving out licenses in their Happy Meals that day and she got one. My car was stopped at a stop sign; she had no stop sign and was making a left onto the road my car was sitting on. She came fully into the wrong lane of traffic and slammed my poor baby, Setsuna, head on and, as you can see in the picture, a little more toward the passenger side. And my car was clearly visible from her point of view. Needless to say, they totaled my car... I was heartbroken... Now I'm playing this waiting game with her insurance and the longer this drags on, the more stress I feel building...
Sometimes you just want to slap a bitch...