a.k.a.... Person Or Persons Unknown...

We all face it sometimes...

Identity... It's more than just your driver's license with vaguely pertinent information like your height, weight, hair and eye color... and the worst picture that anyone has ever taken of you. It's more than the name you give yourself on the internet for blogs, social networking or personal websites... It's more than the pictures we choose to use to represent ourselves online, whether it's a random picture, a real photo or, as in my case, a self portrait you drew or painted. It's so much more than all that...
But the question remains... What, exactly, is identity? It seems to mean different things to different people.
And how well do we really know ourselves...?
At some point, I think we all ask ourselves the questions in the image on the left. If you haven't... wait... Most everyone goes through it at some point, questions themselves, wonders who they are... who they really are... what their purpose in life is. I know there's someone reading this right now, saying to themselves, "I've never done that. I've always known who I am and always will." Either you're full of shit or you're a person who is changeless. I'm not sure that being changeless is a good thing... How else can we grow as people if we don't change...?

Why hello there...

Lately I've been having a major identity crisis... Well, not lately... It's been developing for months, to be honest. It's just currently at its peak, that's all.
The image on the right is my latest self portrait drawn in Corel Painter 2018. But that's not really me... That's just how I perceive myself, how I represent myself as the cyber shadow known, most of the time, as "kitsu" or "kitsuyuutsu"... I've gone by other monickers as well. Kiki, kizza, Reverse Girl... They're all that same cyber shadow. I'm sure people have wondered over the years if I really look like my self portraits. The answer is, "In a way..." I mean, obviously I don't look like a manga character. No one does, except for those weird people that have surgery done to look like a manga or anime character. And those people look creepy! In any case... I do have brown hair and green eyes, that is a real depiction of the tattoo I sport on my left shoulder that I got last April... In general, this is how I look, just not as manga-esque. Obviously I'm an artist and... yes, I'm really that old. There, you got me... I gave myself away...

Llama Llove...

The point is, how I portray myself in my self portraits isn't my identity...
So, back to the original subject because I started to ramble and my train of thought jumped the track and derailed. Like that's anything new or unusual for me...
As I said, I've been in the depths of a lengthy identity crisis. Not that I haven't had them before... I have... They're annoying, maybe a bit frightening, frustrating and confusing. They always seemed to involve changes within myself, such as maturing. Sometimes it's due to outside changes that cause changes in my maturity level or how I perceive life.
I don't like change... I'll be the first one to admit that I have a massive problem with even slight changes, let alone major ones. I'm a control freak... I'm not proud of that, per se... It's just the way I've always been, so I see it as nothing more than a personality trait, one that can make my life a living hell... I make it sound as if nothing ever changes and I lead a very boring life. Don't get the wrong idea. I do change things... like the color of the walls in my house, the way furniture is arranged, the decor... I change my hair style, color, the style of clothes I wear... Change is fine if they're changes I want to make, changes that I have control over. But changes I don't like, don't want or have no control over...? That's a totally different story...

Truer words were never written...

Thus the reason for my current situation... There are a lot of major changes occurring in my life right now that I really don't like and have absolutely no control over. But it's not just that... These are changes that leave me questioning who I am if not the person I've been for all these years before the changes and what my purpose is now. I'm not sure what role I'm supposed to play right now and it's really freaking me out to the point where I feel really... lost...
I've been discussing this with one of the friends I've made online lately... Over the last few years, she's become one of my best friends. We think a lot alike and are always there to try and help each other not lose our marbles when faced with a shit ton of stresses. So when I was telling her about my current situation and how I was feeling about all these huge life changes, she did the best thing anyone could have done... She sent me the image on the right. Isn't it hysterical...?! I laughed so hard when I saw this because it's relevant in so many ways. It's a reminder to me that I can't control everything, so I shouldn't try. And my hair is a reminder of that fact! My hair is naturally curly which, sadly, means massive frizz when it's humid. Even if it's not humid, natural curl has a mind of its own. Trying to style it is like wrestling with an octopus... Granted, my hair has never looked as bad as this poor woman's, not even on its worst day. But it's incredibly comical! I'm going to have it printed and use it as a motivational poster, haha!

Get your chakras in order, people...

In an attempt to deal with stresses, changes and trying to find myself, I've recently taken to trying meditation...
I correspond with my favorite uncle through the mail on a regular basis... That sounds old fashioned... But he lives a great distance from me and besides, it's nice to get mail that isn't just bills or junk mail, isn't it? Everyone should try the lost art of letter writing! Anyway... He's a very intelligent, open-minded man and is very sweet. For some time, now, he's been telling me to try yoga and meditate. He reminds me of my great aunt (his aunt) who tried natural remedies for everything.
But I'm a procrastinator... I kept telling myself I was going to try these things and never seemed to have enough motivation to follow through with either. I loathe exercise, so even something as non-strenuous as yoga sounded like too much effort. And meditation...? That seemed too difficult. When you have a mind like mine, the kind that usually has a dozen thoughts running through it at once at any given time, it's damn near impossible to get it to go blank. It doesn't even slow down when I sleep. I dream most of the night and the more active I am in my dream, the more tired I am when I wake up. Seriously, I wish there was a switch that I could just turn my brain off when I need to...

Just breathe...

One day, while out shopping at one of my favorite stores, I found this book. It was sitting on a display stand near the entrance, almost as if it were waiting there just for me. I took it as a sign... I should buy the book and get my ass in gear and figure out this whole meditation thing. As you can see, I bought the book... I read the whole thing in a few days (I would have finished it sooner, but time didn't allow). It's very well written, simple to understand and very thorough. It even has pictures to show various positions you should use when meditating.
One morning, I decided I understood what this meditation thing was all about, now, and gave it a go. It was an amazing experience! I felt very energized and ready to face my day, something that never happened before...
My uncle, it turns out, was right. Meditation is a big help. And it's not just for people plagued by stress or anxiety... Anyone can find value in meditation. For those wanting to try it, I recommend getting the book pictured on the right, the one I bought. It's highly informative.

My newest love...

I've also found a new obsession...
I'm a sucker for the smell of patchouli... A lot of people I've encountered don't care for it much, but I've always found it very soothing. I have quite a few candles, all that particular scent, because the scent relaxes me.
A few days ago, I was surfing the internet and learned some very interesting things that patchouli is useful for, including easing stress and anxiety. I was actually looking for scent that I could wear and I came across the perfume on the left. Pacifica's Himalayan Patchouli Berry, sold by Ulta Beauty. It sounded like a nice scent, so I ran out to Ulta...
I'd never been in that store before that day... It's overwhelmingly huge! I had a difficult time finding where they hid their fragrances, but I ultimately found them. I used the tester, sniffed my wrist and was greeted by the most heavenly scent! I couldn't stop sniffing myself! I'm sure the other customers thought I'd lost my mind... Whatever, I was happy, what did I care? Needless to say, I bought the perfume and, lucky me, they had one roll-on of this scent left, so I snagged that to keep in my purse. It's made a major difference in my mood and anxiety levels. I can be calm and smell good!

Tty me next year...

This weekend, I saw a bit of the person I was before... It was really nice to see her again, even if it was for only a day. It gave me hope that, maybe, I can reconnect with her, the person I was. It's such a corny line, saying that you're going to "find" yourself... But that's what I have to do. Identity is so much more than how we portray ourselves to others, whether in real life or on the internet.
So... I need to do some soul searching, find that person I lost along the way. Who knows... Maybe she'll turn up here in this blog from time to time, the person behind the monickers and false names...
But there's something to be said for staying in the shadows when you're out in cyberspace. Am I right...?